The American author and psychologist Gary Chapman developed the concept of the five languages of love to solve communication issues in romantic relationships. It is based on the idea that each person has a unique way of expressing and receiving love.
Through his work as a couples therapist, Chapman observed that even though both partners in a relationship loved each other, they often did not feel valued or recognised by their significant other. This led to disagreements, misunderstandings, and hurt feelings.
Chapman concluded that this happened because people express their love differently and sometimes misunderstand each other. By understanding the five languages of love, individuals can improve their communication within relationships and create stronger bonds.
The five languages of love: what they are
Based on his experiences, Chapman identified five different ways in which people can show and best receive love:
- Words of affirmation
- Receiving Gifts
- Acts of service
- Quality time
- Physical touch
It is worth noting that specific individuals may have a clear “main language” of love, while others may equally value two or more love languages. It’s interesting to note that the five languages of love apply to romantic relationships and any other type of relationship. Chapman’s concept can help improve communication in friendships, family relationships, and relationships with colleagues.
1. Words of affirmation
If you enjoy complimenting people and expressing your affection through words of appreciation, then words of affirmation are your language of love. You find happiness and fulfilment in a relationship when your partner often communicates their affection and gratitude through positive and loving words. However, insults and unkind words hurt you deeply and leave a lasting impression.
If you are dating or friends with someone who communicates their love primarily through words of appreciation, then the best way to show your affection is through conversations filled with loving and uplifting words. Consider writing a letter or a longer message to express your appreciation and tell them what you particularly like about them. This will be met with great appreciation.
2. Gifts: the language of love through attentiveness
The second language of love is known as “gifts”, and it isn’t necessarily materialistic. Gifts are primarily about the love, attention and effort behind them. If this is your love language, you view gifts as a symbol that the other person understands, values, and cares for you. However, you might question their love if someone forgets your birthday or gives you a gift you don’t like.
Are gifts the language of your partner’s love? It is not necessary to go into financial depth to show your affection. Even small actions can have a positive impact on your relationship. For instance, you can draw a picture for your partner or surprise them with their favourite ice cream after a difficult day.
3. Helpfulness
If helpfulness is your love language, you express affection and appreciation by helping your loved ones with various tasks. You feel most loved when your partner helps you in return. However, if others make broken promises to you or refuse to help, you may quickly feel unloved and rejected.
Whether it’s cooking a meal, taking a parcel to the post office, or fixing a bike, if your language of love is helpfulness, your friend or partner will feel most loved when you support them in their plans and take tasks off their hands. It’s important that your willingness to help comes from the heart and that you are genuinely happy to provide support. Help that you provide listlessly out of a sense of duty can have a counterproductive effect.
4. Quality time
One of the five love languages is togetherness. If this is your love language, then spending time together with your loved one is of utmost importance to you. It’s not just about being physically present but also about giving each other undivided attention.
Quality time is all about doing something nice without any distractions and fully engaging with each other in the moment. Simply watching a series on Netflix together may not be enough. The focus should be on the quality of time spent together rather than the quantity. Even a simple walk without technological distractions where you share your thoughts and feelings can significantly enrich your relationship. So, if spending time together is the language of love for your partner, regularly take a break from the daily grind and engage in activities that strengthen your bond.
5. Physical touch
This language of love is not just about kissing and sex. Holding hands, cuddling, hugs, and massages are also expressions of love and appreciation. If physical touch is your love language, you will feel delighted in your relationship if you are physically close to your partner. You feel neglected and unloved if they don’t touch you often enough.
If physical touch is your partner’s love language, the best way to show your affection is by touching them tenderly on a regular basis. For instance, you can massage their neck after a challenging week or rub their back while sitting on the sofa. This can help to create more harmony and stability in your relationship.
The five languages of love: approach through small steps
Chapman’s concept of the five love languages can benefit interpersonal relationships. Understanding your partner’s love language can help you adapt to their needs and avoid misunderstandings, conflicts, and insecurities. To begin with, you must both figure out which love language you speak.
Once you identify your and your partner’s love language, you can express affection in a way that speaks to them. It is essential to recognise that what matters to you may not necessarily be the top priority for your partner. This realisation can lead to more understanding and acceptance of each other.
For instance, if you give your partner a bouquet that you picked yourself, but they would have preferred your help with the dishes, you can quickly decipher the cause of their dissatisfaction.
You can then express your affection in each other’s language of love. This experience can be enjoyable and lead to a stronger relationship. However, it is important that you don’t compromise your own needs in the process. You should only do what feels right and good for you. Your partner should appreciate your efforts to adapt to their love language.